At the tail end of her 30s, Elizabeth Day found herself divorced and single after a string of long-term relationships. Ms. Day, a British writer and podcaster, entered a world of dating she had never encountered, not having been single since the advent of dating apps.
“It was such a jungle out there,” Ms. Day, 46, said in a video interview. Her experiences in the dating world — which ultimately led to her meeting her husband on the dating app Hinge — gave her the idea to start “How to Date,” a new limited series and an offshoot of her popular podcast “How to Fail,” which is in its 20th season.
Ms. Day hosts the podcast with Mel Schilling, a dating coach who serves as an expert on the reality television show “Married at First Sight,” in which couples — you guessed it — meet each other and marry on the same day.
Both women met their husbands online when they were 39, and have been, by their own accounts, “through it.”
“I want to teach the world how to date,” Ms. Day said. “I really would have liked to have a podcast to turn to that could’ve guided me through.”
While the landscape of dating podcasts is vast, Ms. Day said she hoped that “How to Date” would stand out as a mixture of expertise and entertainment, with just a bit of voluntary homework. Each episode prompts listeners to do exercises and comes with work sheets.
“I think there are so many people out there dating and just feeling isolated and lonely or completely confused and overwhelmed,” Ms. Schilling said in a phone interview. The podcast, she added, will “hopefully help them feel less alone.”
Here are some of the duo’s biggest lessons.
First, date yourself.
Before you can date someone else, you have to get to know yourself. Often, people start dating shortly after a terrible heartbreak, she said, instead of giving themselves time to process the loss of their prior relationship.
After her own breakup, Ms. Day said, she allowed herself time to process what she had lost, which helped her “to remind myself what I enjoyed doing when I was on my own.” (For example, going to the movies by herself.)
“It’s really important to spend that time nurturing yourself, to know who you are and to know what you want,” she said.
Have an open mind.
Some people keep very rigid lists of what they want — or do not want — in romantic partners. Those kinds of restrictions can be very limiting, Ms. Schilling said, and are often based on previous romantic experiences that did not turn out well.
Instead, you should decide what values matter to you most, and what criteria are nonnegotiable. “People need to be less scared about being real early on,” Ms. Schilling said. Sure, you may scare some people off, she added, but those people were not going to be aligned with your lifestyle.
Rejection is inevitable.
Unfortunately, living through at least some disappointment is virtually a guarantee for those looking for a significant other.
“Every failed date, I came to realize, was data acquisition about what to do differently next time,” Ms. Day said. “Someone who isn’t right for you is bringing you one step closer to the person who might be right.”
Chemistry isn’t always instant.
One of the lessons that Ms. Schilling said she took away from working on “Married at First Sight” is that couples can build chemistry over time. “That’s something I didn’t understand before,” she said. “Now I understand, and see it. I reassure people all the time.”
It is, of course, also possible that there is simply no chemistry, in which case kindness and direct communication are paramount, according to Ms. Day and Ms. Schilling. “Don’t ghost!” Ms. Day said, admitting she did disappear on a romantic partner once and still felt guilty. “Communicating kindly is just invaluable,” she said.
Have patience.
That’s often easier said than done, and is something Ms. Day said she herself had struggled with. “I was single in my late thirties and I wanted a child,” she said. “In that situation, it can feel very difficult to be patient.”
Life does not always turn out the way you think it should, and patience pays off.
“I now don’t have a child, and I am at peace with that,” she said. “My past self would be reassured by my future self saying, ‘Listen, it’s not going to work out the way you think you can control, and it’s going to be so much better than that.’”
It’s OK to take a break.
Dating can be overwhelming. Make sure to shut off those apps when you need to.
When Ms. Schilling got together with her husband in 2011, online dating was different than it is now, she said. “It’s definitely more of a disposable dating culture now because there is so much choice,” she said. Periods without dating can be helpful and serve as a reset.
Dating can be tiring, Ms. Day said, “it’s like having another job.”
Enjoy Valentine’s Day.
If you are single on Valentine’s Day, do something that you like and lean into the enjoyment of being single, Ms. Day advised. “Valentine’s Day is just a day,” she said. “It’s a commercial invention from a capitalist society that wants to sell you stuff.”
But do not mistake that for cynicism. “If you want to meet someone, ultimately you will,” Ms. Day said. But, she added, imparting one last lesson, “they might not come in the package you expect.”
Content Source: www.nytimes.com